Who Needs a Dead Beat Dad?
81Every Single Mom's Nightmare...
I've touched on my issues raising my daughter by myself before, with an article titled: The Trials of Single Parenthood & an article titled: How Becoming a Parent Effects you to Your Core... Let's flash-forward a bit.
We've, (thankfully,) made it through the first month of school with only the bus making me late to work the first day. Things are going well, I'm exhausted, but I love my job and feel good about myself. The grandparent's are taking my daughter almost every weekend, so I have time not only to get things done around the house, but to unwind and have some "me" time, as well.
I'm frantically looking for another single mom to share my place with me, without which I won't be able to afford after paying the babysitter. In fact, some days it seems like I'm working just in order to pay her. My ex-husband still doesn't have a job and is *still* living off Mommy and Daddy.
So, I have a previous commitment every Monday, which has been ongoing for... oh, a little under three years now. It means so much to me that I actually had it written into our divorce agreement that my ex-husband would watch our daughter on Monday's in order for me to fulfill that obligation. (He's also supposed to watch her every other weekend and two weeks out of the summer, but gee, who's counting?)
This last Monday, (it's Tuesday night as I write this, fueled on anger and tortilla chips,) I got home a half an hour early to find my husband fully dressed with his backpack on half-way down the street, making his way to the el stop. I jumped out of the car, running after him. Our conversation went something like this: (expletives deleted for decency,)
"Hey, dude... uh... where ya' going? You were going to wait until I got home to leave, right?" (Me, obviously, confused and angry that he'd be this far from our house.)
"&%^$&, no! I can't take this *(*&(*&%$&$, anymore. I'm going home and I'm not coming back. Why the &%^()$ are you back so early?"
"Uh. You were going to just leave her at home by herself?"
"&$%(@, yeah. I'm sick of you ^@%#$ taking advantage of me, I &#%@)*#^ drunk my beers, (yeah, he said he drunk them, that's not a typo,) and I am getting the &#^$%*@ home, now."
At this point, he's walking back towards me and I'm totally freaking out trying to get into the front door, which according to my neighbors was slammed so hard it woke them up. The door is stuck. It won't budge. All I can think of is that he's *wasted* and coming at me and my BABY is inside, in god knows what kind of condition.
I finally manage to get the key to click, locking the door behind me and running into my anteroom, which also has a door that locks from the inside. I lock that, quickly, then start working on the front door to my actual apartment. It, also is stuck. Fear paralyzing my fingers, I fumble, drop my keys, pick them up, finally managing to get the lock to click on the third try.
I'm in a whirlwind at this point, running into my house like a mad-woman. The first thing that hits me is the *smell.* It's like a brewery took up residence in my home. I run back into our room and my daughter, curled up in bed is watching "Finding Nemo."
Panting and out of breath: "Hey, kiddo, are you OK?"
"Hi, Mommy. I'm watching Nemo."
"I see that. Are you OK?"
"Yeah, I'm watching Nemo. Where's Daddy?"
She didn't even know he had left the house. I asked her what he'd said before he left and she stared at me blankly. "Daddy left?"
"Yeah, it's time for bed! Turn off the TV and we'll talk some more in the morning."
Okay, first off, thank-god for Walt Disney. I'm a huge advocate of parenting without the television, but if it can actually keep a child so engrossed that a man can go on a bender and leave the house without your child even noticing it, I'm all for it. All I can think of is that my daughter didn't have to go through the terror it would have caused her to know she was home alone by herself for even a minute.
I made sure she was OK without being too obvious about it, (no bruises, asked her questions about how her night was, smelled her breath to make sure she hadn't gotten into his beer, etc,) and surveyed the damage.
My garbage can, (which had just been empty before he came over, was filled, *filled* to the brim with beer bottles. We're talking around 24 beer bottles or so. I was amazed he could even still stand, let alone make it home some how. There was open packages of food strewn all over the place, all our pictures were turned face-down for some reason, clothes were all over the floor and toys and books were everywhere. (I'm guessing the last two items were my daughter's doing, I can't see my ex-husband being too into Dragon's Friend.)
I cannot BELIEVE he would abandon his daughter, especially after giving me all that crap less than a couple months ago about how I was abandoning her at a school full of professional people there to teach and care for her, where a babysitter was there to pick her up before the school even let out!
I'm terrified to think of what could have happened if I hadn't gotten home sooner, or had he passed out with a lit cigarette in his hand. He could have easily killed our daughter by burning down the place.
Just in case you all are wondering, A. She *is* OK. B. He's NEVER allowed in our home again, or to be with his daughter without supervision. C. I called his parents.
That phone conversation went something like this:
Me: This is what happened, (see above,) when your son was watching our daughter.
His Mom: Well, that's really not something you should be telling me about... that's between you and my son....
Etc, etc, etc....
I mean, my god, woman! This is your GRANDAUGHTER that you care so much about, supposedly? Doesn't it make your blood run cold and boil simultaneously as mine does? How can you not at the very least, LEAST ask if your granddaughter is OK? (She hung up on me!) I mean... SHE HUNG UP ON ME! Now, you're probably thinking that you'd hang up on me too, if I called you freaking out about something you can't control, but I had co-workers near me so I kept my voice incredibly neutral and was really unbelievably calm about it, even though inside, deep down, I wanted to reach through the wires and smack the woman for ever giving birth to a man that could do something like this. I'm very good, though, at turning that sort of hyperbole and anger off, discussing the irrational, rationally. You learn to cope when you've had to live with more than a couple of lunatics.
Has anyone else ever dealt with something like this? My daughter still thinks her dad is coming over to watch her next Monday. How do I break the news to her that he won't be coming over anymore? For whatever reason, (she's her dad, I guess,) she thinks he's tops. Her grandparents, his parents, have her every other weekend, so it's not like she won't be able to see him, just not at my place. Or not alone. I'm not trying to “get back” at him, I just don't think he's a very safe person to be watching our daughter. If a babysitter had done something like this, I would have called the police on her. But it's her dad, I don't know what to do with him except to limit her exposure to him and make sure he's not the only person watching her when she's at their place.
CommentsLoading...
Adam, what happened to you is truly awful and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. My ex-husband has made his intentions clear, he wants nothing to do with our daughter. I don't think a parenting plan works for someone who doesn't want to be a parent :(
Drunks are territorial and deliberately irrational, so be advised.
Nicole,
Sad story, you've got a long haul ahead, till your little girl is 18 or out of college. It certainly sounds like one of many issues, probably the core though, is that your ex seems to be an alcoholic. I'm not sure this is really the best forum to try and find support, but I wish you luck and the strength to do well by your daughter until such time as your ex decides to grow up.
That is too bad and very sad. I'm sorry to hear that. Not everyone is cut out to be a parent. Also, you can't reason with the unreasonable which I have learned over the years. One thing I have learned is that establishing a parenting plan protects you even if the other parent doesn't choose to follow it. Meaning, a written plan stands up well in court if you (unfortunately) have to use the courts for help. For example, in my case I proposed a reasonable parenting plan to the court and the court approved it even though the other parent refused to sign it or participate in it. Later this was very helpful in keeping my parental rights established. This helped me do away with many of the annoying things you described in your hub. The neat thing is that a parenting plan is a “Fall-Back” in the event that no-one can be flexible and agreeable. You simply say I’m sorry we can’t agree so let’s just stick with the parenting plan for now.
I don’t know if you know this or not but fairly recently the Federal government has established a non-custodial parent program that provides states with funding for helping families work out a child’s access to both parents. To quote the state of Pennsylvania on this …..“The grant program was created under Federal law "to enable States to establish and administer programs to support and facilitate noncustodial parents' access to and visitation of their children.”……. Many state counties offer direct assistance through these programs. In any case don’t wait to establish a parenting plan even if it is difficult to do so because later it may come back to you. The last thing you want is a non-custodial parent saying you are “Frustrating” his or her rights as in many states there is a basis for changes in custody or other penalties. Frustrating is a legal term that basically means interfering. I guess my point is that people often get over-whelmed and change their mind frequently. So, in the end you never know what you will face. Facing the unknown without a plan is very very very stressful.
Nicole,
Your story is very sad and so very familiar to me ... I lived your nightmare for many years. My ex is an attorney who crawled into the bottle when my kids were preschoolers. I raised two children without any financial help but plenty of problems from "daddy". May I share a few things I learned along the way?
Although Adam's suggestion for a parenting plan is good, there is no such thing as a parental partnership when one of the parents is an alcoholic. Substance abusers - whether it's cocaine or beer - are not to be trusted. End of story. Your first and foremost responsibility is to protect your daughter and yourself. You've taken exactly the right step in not allowing your ex to be alone with your daughter at any time. Stick to your guns, even if it means you have to forego your Monday commitment or give up precious alone time. Trust me, I know it's hard. But it's worth it.
The reason your mother-in-law hung up on you is that she doesn't want to accept the fact that her son is an alcoholic so she sticks her head in the sand and says it's an issue between you and her son. That's her prerogative and something you just have to accept. But that same denial also allows your ex to manipulate his parents into accepting his unacceptable behavior. Are you absolutely positive that they would stand up to him if he tried to do something stupid while you daughter was at their home? If you can't answer that question without reservation, I'd urge you to try and set some ground rules with the grandparents for what can and can't occur when your daughter is in their home.
I think in terms of what to tell your daughter, your heart will give you the right words. It's important to make sure she understands that none of this is her fault since kids are so inclined to take on responsibility for their parents' failings. I also think it's important to help her understand that daddy isn't bad, he's just having a hard time right now and needs to take care of himself just like you and she need to take care of yourselves. Kids are so intuitive. If your daughter is school age, she's probably already figured out that something isn't right with her dad. She needs to know that whatever it is, it isn't her fault, neither you nor she can fix it - daddy has to fix it for himself - and you will always be there for her.
The other thing is, you've got to have some type of support system - whether it's family, friends or neighbors. If that's not available, you might want to try out an Alanon group. One other thing you might consider is having a talk with your daughter's teacher to let her know what's going on at home. That's important because by enlisting the teacher as your ally, you have someone with your daughter all day who understands what's going on in her world and can recognize and help you deal early on with any problems your daughter might experience. One of the hardest things for those of us in your situation to do is "air our dirty laundry" to others. But it's in your daughter's best interest for those around her to know what's going on in her life.
I will pray for you and your daughter and leave you with this light at the end of the tunnel. It wasn't easy. In fact, at times all I wanted to do was pull the blanket over my head and make the nightmare go away. But we got through it and today I've got two incredible, accomplished young adult children who have made peace with the fact that their father simply was unable to be the kind of dad they would have asked for.
Nicole, this is a very difficult situation that you and your daughter face. It will happen over and over again as long as your ex has legal rights as a parent. I think you know by now that you can't count on him. However, he still has rights, and that is your problem.
My advice is probably not something other hubbers will agree to. The court system and the social workers all believe that your daughter needs both parents, no matter how unreliable one of them is. My suggestion is to consider termination of parental rights.
Your ex has a legal obligation to pay child support. (But I bet he's not very good at living up to it.) You can't afford another legal battle. Approach him when he is reasonably sober, and offer him this deal: You will free him of his child support obligation, in return for a signed and notarized and binding relinquishment of parental rights. Get a lawyer to draft it for you, or copy one out of the law library in your county. Then follow up with with an uncontested termination of parental rights filed in the court that has jurisdiction over your case. After you get the termination, you have a right to demand that he stay away.
Wow. Incredible, supportive comments from everyone. First, I'd like to thank you all for how insightful & thoughtful you've been. Yes, he is an alcoholic, regardless of him wanting to admit it or not. :( I think I can say entirely without any reservations, however that his drunken behavoir will not fly at his parents place. They provide a wonderful, loving enviroment for her, offering her things that I financially cannot afford. (Because, yes, her father doesn't pay child support. He's been unemployed for the last three years more than he's been employed for five.) I completely hear what you're saying, WriterGal, there *are* many times where I just feel like I'd like to pull the covers over my head and stay in bed :) My boyfriend has been super-supportive and will hopefully help out for babysitting costs on Monday, so I can continue to fufill my obligation, there, which is one of the few things in life besides responsibilities and my little girl which keeps me going. I've considered terminating parental rights. Sadly, (in my opinion,) my ex-husband is actually all for it. For some reason I just can't bring myself to that step of finality. I feel like it's a decision for my daughter to make with me, (and my boyfriend, if him & I do marry.) In a perfect world we'll get married, she'll decide that it is OK for us to all terminate his rights, my boyfriend will adopt her and she'll continue to spend time with her grandparents whenever they like, within reason. These are, obviously, a lot of *if's* so I'm not sure what will happen. My ex is psyched about not having to do Monday's anymore, which I just think is pathetic, but my first obligation, right again, Writer Gal, is to my daughter's safety and well-being. Aya, I really appreciate your advice, don't get me wrong. If my ex was more interested in being a figure in her life, being a dangerous one at that, I'd do it in a heartbeat. I'd protect her, (and my parents I'm sure, would financially back me up in that case,) with anything and everything I could, legally. As it is, though, I think it's a decision for her and I to make when she gets older, like I said, unless something changes, like Adam mentioned, where he suddenly wants to get involved again. Abusive parents aren't as coddled by the system as they used to be. I don't think it'd be too terrible of an ordeal to keep him away from her, I've many witnesses to his inappropriate and dangerous behavoir.
My sister went through something similar. The jerk never actually ABANDONED the girls, but he did really dumb things. Oh well the younger one is almost seventeen now, and both of them think their old man is an imbecile. They used to adore him.
What seems seems so insurmountable now will change - time passes and idiots move on - you are so lucky to have good grandparents, a loving little girl and a supportive botfriend. Go well!
hot dorkage: Man... I'm sorry to hear that. It breaks my heart to think that some day my daughter might think it's in her best interests to terminate relations with her dad. What I haven't mentioned is that he was my best friend for YEARS before any of this happened. I couldn't think of someone I would rather have children with before he changed into a raging alcoholic. ... That your sister had to go through anything similar to what I'm going through now, (and, yes, I know there are plenty of people out there who have had to go through this,) saddens me. No one should have to think that their dad is an idiot. Thanks for sharing... I'm hoping .... this whole "MOM is the BAD guy" thing will end eventually. We all try, I guess.
ajcor: Aw.... thanks :) I hope I do move on :) I am, very lucky to have such great people in my daughter's life! Moving forward is fantastic... Thanks for you wonderful comments guys, if I wasn't so completely wiped I would hope I could come up with something a little more thoughtful than: "I'm trying." :)
My mother raised me alone too. My dad left when I was 9 years old. Thats as much as I can reveal. Everything else is too painful. My mom raised us 3 kids alone and I really have to admire her for that. Now that I am older I see my mother in a whole new different light. She went through a lot. To be honest I didn't make it much easier for her when I was younger. So now I do everything I can to make up for it by trying to make her as happy as she can be.
Just keep raising your daughter to the best of your ability. When she grows older she too will realize how great you really are.
Arian Won: Thank-you, so much, sweetie. Wow. What an awe-inspiring comment, how wonderful that you care so much for your mom's happiness. I'm so sorry for what you've had to go through, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I hope you're making some time for your own happiness as well.
It saddens me to see so much pain in the world. I admire the way you are handling yourself and I believe your decisions are from the heart and basically only you can make them. I wish you lots of love, laughter and good times with your daughter. One day the bad times will fade to a distant memory. thanks for sharing with us. A problem shared is a problem halved.
Thanks so much, sixtyorso, I appreciate your well-wishes and optimistic outlook. Thanks for reading and listening.
Mrs. Winter, I know this is no help, but you have my deepest respect, you´re a tough women, and when i hear a man acting, like that, it fills me with rage, instead of his selfish behavior, he should rather break his bag, working 24 hours a day supporting you and his little princess. But that´s only my opinion.
All the best
Yours
J.T
Aw, J.T.! That is so sweet, thank-you, I appreciate your compliment and yes, my daughter is a little princess, though, no, I don't think I'm really all that tough. Just trying to "get it done," like a lot of other single mom's out there. Thanks :) I hope you continue to write here on Hub Pages, and keep reading!
Nicole, This story is sad I realize he should also be a part of her life, but emotionally she sees the chaos among both of you, let him go and revise the ppw to reflect only under strict supervision due to his irresponsibility. Eventually I would let him drift away as apparently he doesn't give to #$$% about his own daughter anyway and is caught up in his own self-righteous little world. I wish you all the blessings as a single parent as my sister went through the same thing and eventually she cut him loose and he disappeared for 12 long years , she re-married and my niiece has the most wonderful father figure, at this point in her life she has tried to get to know her father, however he still have every excuse in the book on why he can't see her. The smart cookie that my niece is, she just recently told her natural dad, to go pound salt as he may have gotten her here , but he was to dysfunctional for her. He was shocked after all she is a very gifted child and is 12 going on 40.
As for what you should tell your daughter about next monday, be honest and tell her the truth.:)
Your niece really is one smart cookie! Thanks so much for your comments, they mean a lot to me. My daughter's father actually moved about two hours away, so now he's taken the pressure off, he can't watch her anyways, and she, (happily,) understands that. She misses him, but she gets to see him once every couple of weeks, (supervised,) which I think works out pretty well, all-around.
I just wanted to wish you all the best and not read and run. I hope your situation improves futher hun!
Thank-you, J_Eds, I appreciate it.
Holy Frak! Believe it or not I understand though. My wife and I homeschool our kids but we have had to have my dad babysit every once in awhile. Well, never again. I was taken out of my parent custody by police and hadn't seen them for close to 15 yrs. We moved to Ill to help my parents out, mostly because my wife said it would be right thing to do. She didn't understand alot of things. I knew my dad was a drinker and smoked cigs. Hence why we're up here. The few times that we let him babysit we came home to reports from my 7 yr old, the oldest of the 3. (7,4,2) that gpa left them for awhile and they had not eaten. We had to leave for the day a couple of times. Thinking that he meant supper didn't think much about it. Except for the house smelling like a tobacco factory. My dad was acting a little intox. and said he had a couple of drinks from one of our bottles. Claimed he took the dog for a walk. A couple of drinks was an entire 5th but told us was sorry and would replace. We were super pissed but blew it off. After a few more times and us hiding the bottles it turned out he wasn't feeding the kids, making them stay upstairs in their rooms all day, and walking the 4 miles to the liquor store to get his drinks. He has had surgery replacing most of arteries in his right leg and can barely walk. So yes he was gone all day, no food for kids, and my 7 yr. old had to keep the baby in the house that he left unlocked. Needless to say they don't get near the kids again and he was lucky my wife from Tx. and myself didn't do something drastic to him. My mom blew it off saying, well you know how your father is. Keep your chin up and stay strong. My best wishes for you and your daughter and remember your not alone. People are fraked up and will do anything for that fix. Good luck.
Ande Moore: Wow, thanks for coming by and sharing this with us. Kudos to your seven year old for letting you guys know what was going on, what a bright youngster! Thanks for taking the time to read and comment, I really appreciate it.
I am dealing with a similar situation, so I understand exactly how frustrating and taxing it is trying to deal with your 'ex' and his mother's lack of understanding and acceptance. My mother-in-law was the same until her son (my 'ex') was evicted from his apartment, and took up residence with her and his step-dad.
After the now third eviction, and second subsequent time of living in his pickup truck (his mother told him the next time he was not staying with them) she has finally accepted that there is a problem, and has most likely rethought her position regarding my 'complaints'...
The road isn't easy, but you will do just fine - you have support from friends and family and you have your priorities in order. Best of luck my dear...keep your stick on the ice...
Enelle Lamb: Thank-you so much for taking the time to read my hub and comment, I really appreciate it! I'm so sorry to hear that you're in a similar boat with me. Best of luck to you and yours!
Being a single parent is hard, I’m a single mother with seven children. I married twice and divorced twice. My first husband shares custody and is pretty good with helping out with the kids. Except we disagree on the parenting level. My second husband was abusive and I was lucky to get granted a divorce on the grounds of domestic violence. And I have full custody of our two boys. My last child I had, after breaking up with a man who became addicted to steroids and began acting nutty. To prevent problems I simply wrote him out of my life, he has no rights. I didn’t even allow him to sign the birth certificate after he asked for her social security number several hours after she was born, so he could apply for food stamps. Note he doesn’t live with me and had no plans of supporting her in anyway.
Kathy T: Holy smokes, too many wee ones! I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through, thank-you so much for taking the time to read and comment. It's difficult, even in the best of situations, to be a single parent. I wish I knew a magic cure for both sides of parenting disputes, no one is "right" or "wrong" in those cases where both parents are trying their hardest. After dealing with my ex-husband I agree with what you've done, not allowing the birth certificate of your youngest child to be signed. I wish you all the luck, with the book and in life.
WOW Nicole AWESOME although sad Hub. I hope things are better for you now. I am your new fan.
Rascal Russ Miles: Thank-you for taking the time to read and comment. On the advice of everyone here I got divorced, (on Valentine's Day, no less,) and stopped letting my ex-husband babysit, so yes, things have improved greatly! My boyfriend, (God bless him,) watches Lau every other two weeks so I can go on Monday to our "thing," and then I watch her the other two weeks so he can go. It's been a big adjustment for us, but it's so fantastic knowing my daughter is safe and sound at home when I'm gone. I never realized how "on edge" I was before, when her father was watching her, I can really relax and enjoy our time together now on Monday's, and that's been really awesome. Thank-you for taking the time to become a fan, I really appreciate it!
Wow! How do parents become so terrible? Not you in this case obviously. But sometimes its the mother as well. I'm so sick of parents checking out on their children. It's completely not fair. I have my own hub and story of being left to raise a child. After reading this I'm just glad he left instead of hanging around to cause more problems! My prayers are with you. Maybe one day mothers(or good fathers) will have more we can do to get justice for our kids, for the way they have been abandoned.
Jen nay: Thanks for taking the time out to read and comment, I really appreciate it! It's been awhile, (a long time,) since I've re-read this article. I've known more than a few moms who have sadly done similar things to their children, you're right, it's not just dead-beat dads, though that seems to be more prevalent in our society.
A quick update, since it has been so long since I originally wrote this:
For the most part my ex-husband, (her father,) has checked out of her life. He still lives with his parents, who still have her every weekend, (they're taking her to karate classes on the weekend,) so she sees her dad when she visits them. According to her, though, he sleeps all day. There is something very obviously seriously wrong with him, mentally, so I'm not excusing his behavior, but it is obvious he needs more help than what he's getting there.
His folks have been great, though, they take her to tons of activities and really enjoy being with their grandchild. We've had our issues in the past, but I really do appreciate everything that they do for her and they love her dearly, as does she.
One issue I am concerned with is that apparently they've told her she can come live with them when she turns sixteen. I don't know, but it seems like that's something they should have discussed with me first, because honestly, I'm not letting her move out of the house until she's college bound, if then!
I appreciate your support, Jen nay, when I look back on it, I can't even figure out how I was coping with what was going on. I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life, living with my S.O. and daughter, writing regularly, and just enjoying my time being a mom and pseudo-wife. Since limiting my contact almost entirely with my ex-husband, I've really started to heal up --- being myself and learning to be in a healthy relationship... it's really the most fantastic thing in the world!
I just found your hubs, and appreciated the update on you and your daughter. Sounds like you have adjusted well to life without the jerk. I hope things continue to look up for you.
Namaste.
Deborah Demander: Thanks for taking the time out to read and comment, I appreciate your good karmic wishes, as well! My daughter is a treasure, it is so fantastic that everyone in our lives is so involved with her... her grandparents and great-grandmother and my S.O and I are just entirely in love with her, it's amazing watching your little one grow into an actual person with preferences and opinions of her own. This last year she's started sounding like a tween, (she's just turned eight!,) so it is getting a little scary, but I'm sure we'll figure it out :)
Good luck to you and your daughter.
Thank-you so much Granny's House! I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment, you're so positive.
Adam York 3 years ago
Sounds like to me that you have to establish a good parenting plan because the current situation is not working out. Well developed parenting plans keep everyone informed and well aware of expectations. It doesn't matter what was in the divorce decree if you both agree to something new that works for everyone. Just make sure it is in writing and ordered by court. Aside from the parenting plan, you really need to see your ex as a parterner in the parenting plan as opposed to a babysitter. You would be surprised how normally reasonable people respond to solutions that they are actually part of. You can do it, you can make it work and you are strong enough to find the path you need. I'm saying what I'm saying as a non-custodial father whom has been put through the ringer, denied access (un-justly) to my children and have spent thousands of dollars to keep and maintain my rights. If you ex has even one ounce of parenting proudness you would do everyone good by helping him and you focus on what is important. Your children!