What to do When you Know Your Best Friend is Cheating? Part I of Many...
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Friends Who Cheat Are Not Reliable...
This is a pretty long story so what I have decided to do is to break it into parts and give "advice" at the end of each segment. This is a true story. The names of the people involved in this story have been changed to protect their reputation and identity, of course, but this really happened to me and my friends. I'm sharing this in the hopes that if you are personally dealing with a friend who is a cheater you can learn from my mistakes. Remember, friends who cheat on their boyfriends (or girlfriends,) that they supposedly "love," are completely untrustworthy. There is nothing to say that they wouldn't sleep with your boyfriend or girlfriend. Even if you think that your partner would never do something like that to you, it is still a danger, everyone has their weak spots. Eventually, after throwing themselves at your partner long enough it could end up happening. On to the story:
For privacy's sake let us call my friend, (who sadly has passed on, now,) Lizzy. Her boyfriend we will call Timmy. Eventually Timmy and Lizzy broke up, but at the time when this event occurred, they were very much still together, “living in sin,” to use the parlance of our times.
Lizzy was a compulsive liar. I met her at the swimming pool the summer before I went into junior high school. It wasn't as much that we were good friends based on mutual respect and a genuine desire to spend time with one another, there was a vein of convenience running a mile wide through our friendship. I knew instinctively that I couldn't trust Lizzy with anything important, she was a fair-weather friend who just needed a shoulder to cry on. Our mutual friends, however, were so highly intertwined that it was impossible for the two of us not to spend time with one another until late into our high school career when Lizzy joined the work-after-school program and I didn't see her much at all for almost another ten years.
During that time I lived my life. I moved to Chicago from the suburbs, made new friends, lost touch with people from high school... it wasn't until after I moved back home to live with my parents after a bad break-up that I regained touch with some of my friends from high school, one of whom was a good friend with Lizzy. We will call her Sheila. Her husband, also named Tim, and her had an open relationship. We all would go over to Lizzy and Timmy's place and play cards, drink and act like impoverished miscreants without anywhere else to go. Good times!
During this time I actually grew a begrudging respect of Timmy. He was a hard man, not the nicest man in the world, but he certainly didn't deserve to date Lizzy, since it was well known that she cheated on him whenever she had the chance. I wanted to tell him that she was stepping out on him, truth be told, we'd grown into more of a friendship than I had with Lizzy. I held my tongue, though. Sheila and Tim also knew that Lizzy was cheating on him, and after talking to them about it they told me it really wasn't my place to tell Timmy about Lizzy's infidelities.
At first, I tried to convince Lizzy to tell Timmy about what she'd been up to. They lived together, though, it became obvious that she wasn't about to give up her home and the man she loved sharing it with. Eventually, the best I could do was to tell her that I didn't want to hear anything about her dalliances with men other than Timmy, it was too hard on my moralities.
About three weeks before Timmy found out, (in the worst possible way,) that Lizzy was cheating on him, she called me to brag about her latest conquest. I had a brief knowledge of the young man in question, (I knew him “around,” from school,) and tried to cut her off at the pass. “Look, Lizzy, I really don't want to know.”
“But, Nicole he was... oh, my god, just so incredible.”
Insert any of the incredibly fantastic sexual fantasies you can imagine into the next 45 seconds of our conversation... that's about as far into as I was willing to get.
“Lizzy, I'm sorry, I got to go. I don't need to hear any of this. You should really tell Timmy what's going on and if you're not willing to, I just don't know if we can be friends anymore if you're going to continue telling me about cheating on him.”
Participate!
Have you ever had a friend like Lizzy?
See results without votingAdvice: Regardless if you want it or not!
This is where I throw in my two cents... I feel that if you cannot break off your relationship with a friend who is a cheater there are boundaries you need to set. Don't live vicariously through their infidelities ... make it known that you do not want to hear about their cheating, otherwise you're sending a message that you approve of their behavoir on some level.
If it is possible, try not to make friends with the person your friend is dating. (And respectively cheating on.) Believe me, it is just going to make you feel lousy when you have to keep your mouth shut about your friend and her/his dalliances.
If you are friends with the person, or you do like them, don't tell them your friend is cheating on them. It's just not your place. Try to put up some boundaries to protect yourself. If at all possible, don't hang out with this person unless your cheating friend is around, too. Cheaters are notoriously jealous and they will accuse you of trying to steal / sleep with their partners. (I think it's because they feel bad about what they're doing on some level and want to off-put the blame onto you and their partner.)
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Hi Nicole, very good hub on a moral dilemma. You definitely have the right idea in wanting no part of Lizzy or people like her. But it's also true that as a friend it is NOT your place to bring Lizzy's cheating to Tim's attention. I believe the term for this "between a rock and a hard place" is CONUNDRUM.
I look forward to reading the further episodes. MM
The question I would have to ask anybody is "can you label her as FRIEND"? Would a friend put you in that spot? Then brag about it.
Regards
Triplet Mom: Seriously, in my opinion you are making a good decision in distancing yourself from that kind of drama. Lizzy occasionally would try to make me into her "go to" buddy for excuses as to where she was, and I couldn't stomach it. I eventually got her to stop by telling her that I would personally tell her boyfriend du jour that she *was not* with me and I think she was out with some guy if she *ever* put me in that position again. I'm sorry to hear that your children are intertwined in that situation, my wishes and hopes that it doesn't affect the kids! All you can do is try to be polite to the lady in question... no small feat, but you're a pretty exceptional lady. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment, I appreciate it!
Mighty Mom: Absolutely... and thanks for backing me up on that point, if it's my place, (or anyone's place,) to reveal one's infidelties to another person's partner. Eventually you'll see where keeping my mouth shut got me... I'm going to publish another segment shortly, sorry it took me so long to get back to ya'all's comments, I was on a much needed and purely delightful camping trip, just me and my man! Thanks for coming by and taking the time to read and comment! I appreciate it.
rb11: Seriously! Though, I will say that sometimes you make friends during childhood that are just easy, or convienent or whatever and as you get older you start to realize how *wrong* they are for you. I really had to take a hard look at my life during this time and a lot of changes were made. I think anyone who is in this situation needs to take a step back and weigh the pro's and con's of their relationship. A friend is a terrible thing to waste, but people who cheat and use you as an excuse aren't really being good friends. Thanks for coming by and commenting, rb11, I really appreciate it!
What got me when my friend was cheating on her partner, was that she used me as an excuse! Told him that she was with me, when instead she was getting shagged stupid by someone else. The first few times, I went along with it as I was slightly embarrassed by it as I really like her man. But, I could see after a time, he knew she was up to no good, and I didn't want to be tarred with the same brush, so we had a bit of a falling out. Now he looks at me strangely as if I'm the baddy!
cindyvine: And you shouldn't have to put up with *any* of that, of course! Thanks for coming by and commenting, I appreciate it. I really loved the request, which of course, reminded me of this whole story... I hope even a little of this will still be helpful, I'm sorry I didn't start writing it sooner.
After reading part 2 I agree, even thought Lizzy is wrong with those kind of emotions flowing safety comes first. I get the feeling Lizzy kind of likes the conflict.
Regards
rb11: I agree with you. She did seem to have a flair for drama! Thanks for coming along for the ride & reading part two. I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment.
i actually have a friend who cheats. i am doing my best not to pry into her personal life though i know a bit about the cheating. i do not also ask anything about her relationship with the guy. i do not want to be misconstrued as making her feel that she is doing the right thing.
and yes, i set boundaries. that way, when she gets the courage to tell all then i know where i stand and how i am going to deal with it.
nice post.
bingskee: Thanks for taking the time to read and comment, I really appreciate it! I totally hear where you are coming from. I hope you found this to be useful, good luck with your friend in the future, please keep us updated on anything new if you feel so inclined.
I have a lot of friends male and female who cheat and I know their partners as well. I do not have much problem with it, as it does not affect me. Each individual is free to have the life they feel is better for them. If their choice involves cheating, well, I cannot do anything about it.
I have been trapped in the cheating game too and I know that you don't mean to hurt the other person when you cheat.
Anath: Thank-you for taking the time to read and comment! I appreciate your honesty, it's refreshing. I'm reminded of a Tori Amos quote from one of her songs: "When you love a lot you lie a lot." You're right, if you make sure that it isn't affecting you it isn't as big of a deal as an outsider. But, when people try to make you accountable for their actions it can seriously suck.
My situation is different my boyfriend has a friend who cheats and im starting to think mayb thats what they do when i am not around.please advice
Latty: Wow, that's rough. On the one hand, your boyfriend's friend *could* be a bad influence on him, maybe the two of them do go out cruising for girls when you aren't around. I can't really give you advice without knowing more about the situation. On the other hand, your boyfriend could be an innocent bystander in all this. If you wanted to have a conversation with him about how this makes you feel I would approach it exactly as you did with me. Using a lot of "I" statements, tell your boyfriend how his friend's cheating makes you feel insecure in your relationship with him. Acknowledge that it isn't exactly fair, (after all, your boyfriend isn't the one doing the cheating, as far as you know,) but that it is making you feel extremely uncomfortable with the two of them hanging out when you're not around. Don't ask him to stop hanging out with his friend, chances are it won't work and you don't want to put your relationship on the line by asking him to stop seeing his friend. Even if he did agree it would put him on the defensive in the future when it comes to sharing information with you about his friends. (And as women, we generally *really* need to know who are guys are hanging out with.) Good luck, Latty, please e-mail me at nawinter77@gmail.com if you need to talk.
A fellow Chicagoan...WOOT!, and an amazing writer to boot. Well written, and dead on. I have been in all three of these situations in my life. The cheater, the cheated and the friend of the cheater. I am not proud of my sordid past with women. Hurting someone this way is horrible and nothing to be proud of by any stretch of the imagination. I'll only say that I was young and I have paid tenfold for my stupidity and I deserved it.
Aw, *blush,* thanks, trooper22. I think we have all had those moments in our lives where we've behaved with less than full integrity. I know I have, too, and like you, I've experienced all sides of this equation, including the cheating side of it. Certainly, I'm not proud of this either and have to agree that I was repaid tenfold by my mistakes later on in life. Thank-you so much for your comment, trooper22, I really appreciate it!
I had have a friend like lizzy but she wasn't cheating on any1.join my fan club
It depends on the friend...
Sometimes, cheating is not a sign of strength, it is a sign of weakness. Someone is not getting what they need out of their relationship, they cannot, for one reason or another get what they need from the other spouse and in a lot of these cases, they give up and go elsewhere. It's a sign of desperation.
They can't or won't leave the relationship for some reason, possibly economic, so it is possible that the person feels trapped.
It is also possible that the other person in the relationship has undergone some change. You have no idea what is going on behind closed doors.
So to shun a "friend" as totally untrustworthy, for having this affair, without completely understanding whether or not it is out of character, and not placing yourself in their shoes, is a rush to judgment.
It is quite possible that this friend is in pain and instead needs a little support.
Affairwatch: Thanks for taking the time out to read and comment, I really appreciate it! Your comment is very well thought out, I agree with everything you've said, cheating is very situational and we don't know what is going on behind closed doors. My friend Lizzy was a habitual cheater... low self-esteem type who made bad choices when it came to men. Yes, she was untrustworthy, but not necessarily because she was a cheater, true enough. I think it's difficult to find a balance between supporting a friend and endorsing their actions. Also, I think economic stress factors into cheating behavior a lot more often than people realize. I really appreciate how thoughtful your comments were, thank-you for the back-link on your site. Definitely very interesting stuff, I'll be checking back to see what is new!
You are welcome. I will give you an example:
Right now, with the economy the way it is, there are a lot of people who have hung onto relationships for one reason or another because of financial issues... example: they cannot sell their house if they were to split up, one partner or the other is not working, grown kids moving back home, that kind of thing....there is a lot of acrimony sometimes. The intimacy and affection goes out the window. I know of a couple of cases personally.
What do you do if you are trapped in a relationship that is no longer meeting your physical or emotional needs, but there are circumstances that prevent you from doing what you ought to do, which is hit the road? I think there are a lot of perfectly reasonable, otherwise serious and responsible people in exactly that situation.
Probably the affair is not the greatest situation to be in, but you can see, in a desperate attempt to get your needs met, a reasonable person might consider it....
affairwatch: Absolutely. Friends who are cheating because of financial considerations should not be judged in the same light as habitual cheaters. Yes, it isn't the greatest situation, but if there is a way your needs can be met with minimal spousal pain sometimes it is the only reasonable response to the current climate of economical dysfunction. Thanks again for taking the time to read and comment, I appreciate it.
Hi, Nicole:
I thought of this conversation the other day when I bumped into this forum thread:
http://www.depressionforums.org/forums/Hypersexual
and there is a lot of literature associating depression and bipolar disorder with hypersexuality.....
In this article, there is reference to hypersexuality being a side effect of some of the treatment for Parkinson's...
http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/558276
What I'm saying here is: There may be some other really compelling reason that your friend feels driven to go out and find some physical gratification outside the home....
In my limited experience a lot of these people also have a precipitating event: death, family crisis, other trauma, which might trigger some level of depression.... either the depression itself or the drugs used to treat it are not unheard of to cause a change in sex drive.....
Affairwatch: Hey, thanks for posting those, I really appreciate it. Yes, I've heard of hypersexuality as a side-effect of certain kinds of depression, or medications. Again, low self-esteem can have it's roots in this, as well. Thanks again for taking the time out to comment, I really appreciate it. When women are depressed isn't it more likely that their sex drive decreases? Maybe that is a female myth...
Well a quick google search suggests that depression can trigger changes in sexuality in either direction.....hyper or hypo.....and I suppose everyone is affected by these changes in brain chemistry in a slightly different way....
I guess I still am of the opinion that it's best not to rush to judgment when you find out someone is having an affair.... Maybe they've had some trauma, or someone around them has, and it has tipped the balance a bit one way or the other....
affairwatch: Agreed :) I guess it is just a misconception that women, when they're depressed become less sexual, I took a look, too. I'm not saying people should shun a friend that is having an affair, just to distance themselves from the affair as much as possible. (For example, you don't want to be the person who your friend says they're hanging out with when they're actually shagging someone else at the time, right?) My friend wasn't a good friend, and it wasn't just because she was cheating on her boyfriends, (most of them, anyways,) she just wasn't reliable. That isn't to say that everyone who cheats isn't reliable, these are just some general guidelines that I thought of when I was in this situation and after it all ended.
Wow. Why didn't she just break up with her partner if she was going to go around fiddling with other men?
thehands: Thanks for taking the time out to read and comment, I really appreciate it. She wasn't the monogamous type. She cheated on every one of her boyfriends for as long as I knew her, but wasn't really into the whole "open relationship" thing... it was only cool if she was the one doing the cheating.
Take it from me stay away from them as they will try and use you at one point or another to try help them cover up their soon to be mess.
Kenneth: Thank-you for taking the time out to read and comment, I really appreciate it. It's easier said than done, but if it really is a good friend or the relationship has been around for a long time, or it's a family member... you can't really shut them out. And like affairwatch and I were discussing earlier in the thread, sometimes there *are* good reasons to cheat, you and I may not understand them, but, that's the way it is. It's definitely something you have to address head on, you don't want to be part of their "cover story" ... you have to make it clear that you will not lie for them from the get-go.
I would like to share few more thoughts on these lines. If you could mail me your id. I would be glad to reply you with my ongoing happenings in my life. I would require your valuable suggestions too.
What's up with the link you embedded into your name? My e-mail is nawinter77@gmail.com ... feel free to e-mail me any time, but you appear to be a Spammy McSpammerson. Heck, my e-mail is also on my profile page, too, or you can @nawinter77 on twitter.
I am by no means on Lizzie's side, but truth be told, you were never friends in the first place. You cannot call a person who you do not accept as they are a "friend", so initially your relationship with Liz was based on having mutual friends and this is as far as it goes.
People all have not-so-good characteristics about them and what differentiates friendship from everything else is the ability to remain by the person's side no matter what. That goes not only for friendship, btw. My point is, if you really find the person disgusting or immoral to a point where you can't stand it, the only right way to go to break off all possible contact. Calling the person "a friend" is quite en enormous exaggeration at this stage. The whole point of this story is basically telling how SOMEONE in your surrounding cheated on their partner. This happens everywhere. I have a friend similar to Lizzie, but I accept her and love her for who she is, because there are MORE different facets to a person and judging simply by saying "she's a cheater, so she's an overall terrible girl who doesn't deserve my friendship" is one sided. And now, look at yourself, bad mouthing a woman who is no longer alive. For all I understand, you are potentially an even worse "friend". What she was doing in her "spare time" is really non of your concern and you should not be the one doing the judging and warning people. Not to mention everyone has to deal with their own circumstances and unless you are extremely close to a person, you have absolutely no idea what is REALLY going on in their lives and how they really feel.
As far as my own experience goes, I'm really close to my cheating friend and I can empathize with her emotions and the inner struggles even though I do find cheating a disastrous problem in a relationship.
Lyre of Orpheus: Wow. You really let me have it. I appreciate the fact that you took the time out to read and comment, your comment is obviously well thought out and intelligent.
You're right,I am saying she wasn't really a friend, (and she *really* wasn't,) but it wasn't because of the fact that she was a cheater that I came to this conclusion, she wasn't a good friend before she started cheating on her boyfriends, we knew each other for 13 years before we lost touch for good. It sounds to me like your friend is a good friend, she must value your friendship and you hers. I'm sure your friend never tried to steal your boyfriends, take money from your purse when you weren't looking or lie to your boyfriend / her boyfriend about where you were / she was to get herself out of trouble.
You see, Lizzie did all of those things to me. Am I an awful friend for demeaning someone who's passed on and not here to defend herself... I honestly hadn't thought about that as much as wanting to get my feelings about it out on paper... you bring up a truly salient point I wish I'd considered before starting this. She wouldn't have been here to defend herself even if she was still alive, she wouldn't realize this story was about her, anyways, for reasons numerous.
Since we met in elementary school I wasn't really sure about what makes a good friend, being rather short on them myself, I was very socially awkward. While I do give advice not to trust a friend who cheats with your boyfriend, or to allow them to put you in a position of covering for them with their boyfriend, I don't think I ever said that they, (cheaters,) aren't deserving of love, friendship or acceptance... that would be absurd. And mean. Lizzie involved me in ways that made what she was doing *my* business. Even when I didn't want it to be. Those actions are what I'd like others to protect themselves from.
People cheat for a myriad of reasons. Some aren't so great, others are understandable, (as long as you aren't cheating on me, ;) and others... well, just plain ain't none of my business ;) It's when, as a cheating friend, you pull your friends into your web of lies, I start to take issue. Support, understanding, love, I have plenty of, but when you mess with me and mine I tend to get a bit edgy about it.
Ummm, why in the hell do these type of people continue to get into relationships??!! Guess they are scared to be alone, how sad!!
Smartone: Lot's of reasons. Sometimes it's more than feeling frightened about being alone, it's being scared of having to really care for yourself, financially and emotionally. Thanks for taking the time out to read / comment, I appreciate it.
hi nicole i just wanted to know that my friend has cheated on her boyfriend and i dont know what to do because her boyfriend thinks he is "in love" when really he is not it hurts to see that she has done this and will not tell him the truth and trust me she is a really bad person and she does not even care about him. i just want to know what can i do to help her out
Jole: You said you want to know what to do to help "her" out... I assume you mean to help him, (your friend's boyfriend out,) but either way... you cannot do anything.
I have to wonder why you're friends with a girl who you openly admit is a bad person... it's a shame that she's leading this young man on the way she is, but you cannot help someone become a better person unless they actually want to change.
The best thing you can do, (for your own sanity, if nothing else,) is to distance yourself from the situation as much as possible. It sounds like you might care for this young man, but telling him that his lady isn't the person he thinks she is is only going to push him away from you and hurt him.
dear nicole ,
it was really soothing to read your article.I was stuck in a slightly different situation some time back ... I had a good friend in one Miss.X (a colleague) with whom i had a lot in common.X was quite talkative and cheerful to hang out with. All was rosy until she introduced me to Mr.Y (another colleague) who was a new friend of her's ( X had met him briefly once). By chance Y and I landed up in the same assignment. Y paid me constant attention and also seemed quite sincere and also flirted a lot with me. I ended up having feelings for him.i didnt tell him anything though, i felt it was too early and that i didnt know him well enough to start a relationship.Boyfriend or not i wanted him to be a close friend of mine as he seemed really good natured . Soon after i discovered that he and X were talking about me behind my back almost every day during the assignment. Ms.X began to become quite indifferent to me without any known reason. Mr.Y too wasnt interested in keeping touch with me though i tried to keep up with him.He was even rude to me over the phone once or twice.His father passed away some time later and i wanted to comfort him in his hour of grief but strangely Miss.X forbade me from doing so . She said she would go and comfort him later and that i shouldnt visit him at any cost.Miss.X has also detested my friends calling them names and bitching about them while gloryfying hers.Also apart from Y whom she doesnt want me to like she tries to force me to like all her other friends.Iam not really comfortable about this either.
He also doesnt seem to be the man i thought he was. It seems he already had a girlfriend in one Miss.Z before meeting either of us(and despite that he refused to maintain distance).Miss X doesnt like her either and bitches about that girl to everyone else. I tried dropping some casual hints to Miss.X whom i susected had feelings for Y .She ignored my comments and still is very close to Y discussing his personal problems etc.
I've kept my distance from both these people ever since as sometimes its difficult to know who is at Fault: Y who flirted with me(whilst he had a girl friend) and then bitched about me(to my ex best friend) or X my friend who backbit for gaining a loser's freindship.
Anyways iam maintaining a safe distance.Thankfully i did not make the mistake of alienating any of my other friends whom Miss.X hated.Miss.X tries to rekindle our friendship once in a while,inviting me to parties etc but iam politely distant with her and refuse her invites. Iam out of touch with Mr Y for all the good reasons in the world.I just hope that my way of handling this almost comical crisis is correct :) ..expecting your views :) .. love julianne
julianne: Thanks for taking the time out to read and comment, I really appreciate it! Sweetie, with friends like that... who needs enemies? Any guy who has a girlfriend and spends his time flirting with other women, discussing his personal problems with them and engaging so heavily, emotionally, is a cheater. Sure, he might not have physically crossed the line,(yet!,) but emotional cheating can be just as "real" and painful.
In my own experience with women like Miss X I've noticed that when they give a friend the cold shoulder over a guy, especially one they're not romantically involved with, they're likely to be cheaters, or cheaters in training, themselves. It'd be different if Mr. Y was her boyfriend and noticed the two of you were cozying up to one another... but what we have here is a case of emotional manipulation, going behind your back and talking down about you to Mr. Y and anyone else who'd listen... (as well as Mr. Y's girlfriend, whoever this poor soul might be,) is this really the kind of "friend" you want?
You're right to distance yourself in any way possible from Miss X. She's a back-biter and life is too short to have to deal with that.
I'm confused, though... you seem to have feelings for Mr. Y still, while calling him a loser at the same time. You know he has a girlfriend. You know he's engaged in inappropriate behavior with you, Miss X and with his girlfriend, (who he's probably not being honest with,) so why even bother giving him the time of day?
If I misread your intentions in regards to Mr. Y ... my apologies. Trust me, though... you're definitely better off without him or his "friendship" ... one last thing... any guy who lets a woman talk badly about his girlfriend and his friends? Not suitable boyfriend material, in my book. Feeding into a woman's snarky attitude is in poor taste... condoning it? Even worse.
thanx a lot nicole :) ... i feel much more lighter now :)
That's awesome, Julianne. Thanks for coming back & letting us know you're feeling better.
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Sure, you can hire expensive investigators to find out the truth, but they can cost you thousands of dollars. You can also install hardware on to the targetted phone, but this is an unstable method because it can be detected easily. To safely spy on a mobile phone, you really have to use software – trust me on this http://tinyurl.com/noaldetective
I have a terrible situation too. My husband and I have been good friends with a lady and her husband for the past 15 years, we are neighbours in our late 30s and all became friends together.
Arund a year ago i heard my girlfriend make comment about an affair she was having to someone else, i pulled her aside with a WTF!!!! she told all. She has had multipe affairs over many years. One of her affiars was with another friend of ours whom she friended, within a year of knwing these people had become her bridesmaid andthen god parent to their first child, she was having an affair at this time with the husband! then their were 3 other she informed me of, 2 of the others also had become family friends with her and her husbands, she tends to befirend their wives!
So it is just over a year i have known this for, she still has her regular thursday affair turn up to her marital bed to have sex with her. I think i am still in shock about it all. I have not informed my husband as he will automatically tell her husband. If i tell our friendship is definetely over... BUT is she actually my friend at all, is someone who cheats in a compulsive way like this a friend, can they be?? can they be trusted? can i trust her with my husband?? i trust my husband, but the thought of trusting her now definetely enters me head!
They have a 10 year old child together. She behaves otherwse like the perfect wife totally outwardly loves her husband. Makes me sick!
Sue: I'm so sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you. Your situation is truly a difficult one, and believe me, I've been thinking about this.
First. Do. Not. Trust. Her. With. Your. Husband.
Anywhere near him! Look, your husband is probably the most awesome guy in the world, who would never in a million years think of cheating on you & your marriage.
However, she's a compulsive cheater. She's made a decision to sleep with men other than her husband. Maybe she has reasons we don't understand, it's not our place to pass judgement on her, there could be a serious issue in her relationship that we don't know about.
That said, you really don't want to have the kinds of feelings that will come up if you leave your husband alone in her company, if it were me, I'd be driven crazy by the wild thoughts running through my head. Keeping an eye on the situation is your best bet, in my opinion, I completely agree with your decision not to tell your husband. Women who tend to befriend the wives of men she's sleeping with are people you want to be very aware around.
So basically, yes, you can be friends with this woman, but I would be very aware of how you interact with her... do not tell her about personal issues between you & your husband, don't leave them alone together and be very careful about this woman placing you in between her & her husband. (For example, if she starts using you as an excuse as to where she was, I'd tell her she needs to find another alibi.) I hope you see this, I hope it helps. Thanks for taking the time out to read and comment, I really appreciate it.
Last words...
This is the first segment of this story. Be sure to check back now and then, I'll post links to the next segments here. I'd also love it if some of you would leave your own personal stories in the comments section. It'd be best if you left them in the first segment... that way we can make sure that everyone will see them!
Triplet Mom Level 3 Commenter 2 years ago
Nicole - Very timely hub. I am just now distancing myself from a friend that is cheating on her husband. I thought I could still be friends since our children are friends but she has now gone so far as to use me as an excuse. That is where I had to draw the line. I do not want to be part of this charade in any way shape or form. Great advice and story I cannot wait to hear the rest.