What Really Puts me Off on the First Date

There's a myriad of things that can go wrong on a first date... killer breath, nervous incessant chit-chat, really bad gas... but what really puts me off on a first date is desperation. Okay, I get it, you haven't gotten laid in a long time, but letting a girl know you haven't gotten laid in a long time is probably half the reason why. It's true, the "never been kissed" routine has an expiration date, these days senior year of high school is probably the latest a guy would want to try and pull it off. Why? Women want to date successful men and that translates over into the bedroom, even. Sure, we don't want to hear a play by play of your erotic conquests, but we will shy away from a guy who can't seem to get a piece of the action, we figure there's a reason why you're considered "unbeddable." (Really, it's a word, Google it, just look past unbiddable. Make sure to come back here when you're finished, we'll wait.)

Don't get me wrong, I've dated my fair share of virgins, most of which were upfront about the fact that their V-Card was gathering dust, but there's a huge difference between making light of it and moving on or wallowing in your own kiddie pool of virginal resentment. There's a girl out there for most guys, even one who will laugh at the fact you can recite almost entire episodes of Star Trek, the Next Generation verbatim. Just knock it off until date two, 'kay? That's probably the worst part about men who are desperate to get laid, (no, not Star Trek, I actually enjoy that quite a bit,) it's the resentment really gets me down, though. The fact that you haven't gotten laid in forever or ever for that matter, is not womankind's fault, it's yours. I've had some dates end rather abruptly when a man has called me a slut for sleeping with every Tom, Dick and Harry, except, surprisingly, him. I can't believe that guys like that are surprised they can't get laid.

So let me give you a little advice... here are some tips that aren't guaranteed to get you between her sheets, but will at least put you in a position to touch someone's goodies in this lifetime.

No, I'm not talking about the dating site, but that's not a half-bad idea. There's a ton of books and top-secret websites guaranteeing your success with gorgeous women regardless of how you look and let me tell you, you're not that charismatic. This is probably the most important advice I can give you, I don't mean to be so harsh about it, but you are not all that and a bag of chips, so why on earth would a Playboy Bunny want to get with you? Date someone around your age, about your average looks, and in your socioeconomic stratosphere.  I'm not saying love can't happen outside of these constraints, but people make fortunes off telling you what you want to hear, that's why these books sell.  Most of the time it just isn't going to happen.  That's reality.

This really should go without saying, guys. If you have a date she will expect no less than a shower, deodorant and Scope. You have no idea how much effort women put into getting ready for a date, you don't have to compete on our level of the playing field, but to be a contender you do have to follow the rules of basic cleanliness. While we're on the subject... No matter how good a cologne smells putting too much on is not only over-kill, it reeks of desperation, try the girly method of spraying the cologne in front of you and walking into it. One spritz will do!  My boyfriend tells me that most guy's colognes don't work this way, so for those of you "lathering" it on, here's a tip.  A. Make sure the lid is securely fastened, flip the bottle upside down and carefully remove the cap after righting it again.  Lightly tap the inside of the bottle top against your wrist.  Rub your wrists together, then rub your wrists against the inside of your elbows, behind your ears, etc.  Just make sure it isn't too over-powering and you're good to go!

Okay, you don't have to wear a three-piece suit and your best sparkly wingtips, (though, depending on where you're going, it might not hurt,) but like basic hygiene, dressing up is kind of a standard us ladies would like to hold you to. I actually went out with a guy more than once who admitted to me he was wearing his "lucky" Cubs jersey and wouldn't be taking it off until the end of the season. (He wasn't too keen on washing it, either.) Yeah, I went out with him more than once, but not more than twice.  I mean... ew.  While we're on the subject... no piece of clothing is "lucky" as far as most women are concerned, so just keep it to yourself if you believe you're wearing your lucky socks, undies, t-shirt, etc.  If it looks like it's been washed more than a few thousand times it needs to stay at home, not out with you on a first date.

Remember when you were a kid and your mom used to tell you to be yourself and people will like you? Well, while it's not true a hundred percent of the time, do you really want to date someone who doesn't like you for the person you are? Think about how much work it will take, down the road to try to convince someone you're not the person you are, now do you really want to put in that kind of effort? There are girls who game out there, like Star Trek, or will argue with you over the finer points of when to tap your Prodigal Sorcerer, you just have to get off your lazy @ss and find them. If you're just in it to get laid then go out and buy one of those aforementioned books... otherwise, be yourself! Somebody out there will eventually love you for it.  Point in case, Wil Wheaton, author of "Just a Geek," "Dancing Barefoot," and a haven of a geek blog, (you might remember him from Stand By Me and Star Trek, the Next Generation,) is married to an incredibly hot (and I would have to guess very understanding,) non-gamer woman.  Yet, they seem to have a very fulfilling relationship, despite their differences.

I mentioned before that I have dated a few virgins in my time. Some of them weren't so much by the time I'd finished dating them. (Some of them probably still are, at the time of this publication.) The guys that I dated more than a few dates all had one thing in common besides being inexperienced, they were honest about it!

Okay, so sure, you might not want to bring this up on your first date, and you certainly don't want to be dark, or creepy about it, but letting a girl know that you're not really sure what you're doing before you actually get too physically involved with her is really a good idea. If you have a sense of humor about it and convey a sense of self-confidence, being inexperienced is totally cool, it just means you haven't learned any bad habits, yet.

I hear a lot of guys spout the age old adage, "Nice guys finish last.," a lot more often than I'd like to. Here's the thing, nice guys are totally awesome, but clingy, desperate men are frightening. So while you might think that bringing your date you don't actually know a dozen roses, candies, and dinner at the nicest place in town, is nice, I'm guessing she's digging around for her mace at the bottom of her purse. A lot of guys just take things way too fast and then complain that it didn't work out in the end because they were "too nice." I dated a guy who made all these awesome plans, (including vacations in Hawaii,) showered me with jewelry, took me to really fancy places, all within our first three dates. Immediately it set off serious red flags for me, because that isn't how a relationship works. When I broke up with him, some of my friends said, "But, he was so nice!" Well, maybe he was, but he didn't know anything about pacing a relationship and just ended up coming off as ultra-desperate.

Escobana's awesome hub on her romance in Spain: Can I Put You in a Box?

If you're over the age of 21 you may have learned this little trick called having a drink to calm your nerves. In theory, it works: You gain a temporary boost in confidence, self-image and your inhibitions are lowered. However, having more than you can handle will have the exact opposite effect on how your date views you. At best, she'll write you off as being so nervous you've to be tanked to be in the same room as her. Worse, you'll end up paying for her dry cleaning bill.

Man, I've been out with two different guys who couldn't keep my name straight. It's not that hard, seriously, all you have to do is actually pay attention to your date when she is talking. Ask follow-up questions that will show her you're interested in what she's saying and for the love of all things sacred, remember the name of the girl you're talking to!  You really will not make it very far, (past date one, let alone into her bed,) if you can't take the time to memorize her name.  Don't just ask follow-up questions, ask follow-up questions to your follow-up questions.  The more you get her talking about herself, the better.  Don't fidget with your gadgets while chatting her up, either, make sure your cell phone, I-Pod, notebook computer is off, or on silent and show her you're interested by giving her your complete undivided attention.

Okay, I don't mean to be so crass about it, but if you do happen to actually get a chick into bed and you've never been that far before, here's a few pointers... I've never heard of sex that was so awful it couldn't be attempted more than once. You will either A. orgasm too quickly, B. not be able to orgasm at all, C. have no clue what you're doing or D. all of the above.

If you have an orgasm too quickly, don't fret, usually you'll be able to have another one within an hour, so continue fool around and, uh, see what pops up. Ask her to put on a show for you, if you're %100 sure that she isn't a satisfied customer, yet. (And if you came too quickly she probably won't be.)

If you aren't able to orgasm at all, this can be a little trickier. Make sure to assure the girl you're with that it is your problem and has nothing to do with her. In fact, complimenting her at this point by telling her you're so nervous and she's so awesome and you just don't know what happened is probably your best course of action to take. In my experience, guys who are having sex for the first time end up having this issue a lot more often than reaching orgasm too quickly. They've built sex and the idea of sex up so high in their mind that when it finally comes they have a hard time letting go and relaxing enough to make it possible to have an orgasm. Mind, you, I'm not talking about not being able to maintain an erection, I've never encountered that problem with a guy the first time, so you might want to have that checked out because there could be an underlying medical issue. Chances are, if you're in the situation of being able to maintain an erection and cannot orgasm you're just too pumped (no pun intended,) to cum. You're probably sleeping over at her place, or she at yours, so just wait until the morning and try again. Almost %100 of the guys I've been with were totally able to orgasm the next day, for some reason the initial pressure was off and they were totally relieved to find everything worked fine. It's completely normal, just remember to be cool about it and let the girl know you're totally into her, women can take an inability to orgasm as a personal affront.

If it's your first time you probably will suck. Sex isn't really all that fantastic with a new partner anyways, though, so it's not something to worry too much about. Every girl is different and every partner will have their own set of quirks and turn-on's that a new partner won't know about without some serious discussions and practice. So you're not really getting set-up for disappointment here, she won't expect you to be a super-wonder in bed. Great sex takes practice for even experienced partners! With that in mind, even though it might sound a little strange, ask questions while you're having sex, ask if she likes this, that, or the other, vary your techniques, be verbal! This takes some practice, so you might as well get it out there as quickly as possible so you can fine-tune your moves to each partner you bed.

Regardless if you're a virgin or just a little rusty, remember, it's like a bicycle, once you get your balance and take the training wheels off, you will figure it out.  Take time with your personal appearance, hygiene, work on showing off your best sides of your personality and taking an active interest in everyone you talk to, these are goals that will help you get through a lot more than just dating and sex in life!  Your job, friendships and family life can go smoother if you pay attention to how you're interacting with others, (not just members of the opposite sex,) and continuing to work on these skills will increase your personal happiness.  If you take a more zen like approach to dating, loosening up, enjoying yourself and your date for more than just the "Oh, I might get laid," aspect, you'll get "there" a lot faster.