Teen Dating: When Should Your Child Start Being Allowed to Date
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Dating: How Young is Too Young? It's Up to You!
Kids are growing up so fast today, especially girls, who historically have been thought to mature faster than their counterparts. How does one decide when their child is ready to begin dating? Ultimately, the decision is up to you, their parents, to sit down and discuss this decision in a calm and rational manner with their pre-teen, before dating has even started. During junior high school, there will be ample opportunities for your child to start dating, around the age of 12 or so, in the guise of school formals, dances which your son or daughter may be asked by a member of the opposite sex to attend. As stressful as this can be for the parent, it can be doubly so for the young person in question who is just beginning to learn about the ins and outs of socializing with the opposite sex, so you want to make sure that you maintain an open line of communication with your pre-teen so they feel able to come to you with any questions they might have about dating and sex.
- Teen Dating: A Mom\'s Guide
A mom's guide to teen dating.
Ack! Did She Just Say Sex?!?
As a parent, this is terrifying to think of, but around the age of ten or so you want to start building an open dialogue about sex, specifically for girls who, (unfairly,) bear more of the burden of sex and stress related to dating and fitting in socially. I'm not saying that boys don't have to cope with those issues, of course, but it seems to start later, (around 12 or so,) for them than it does girls. You'll want to keep your first few sets of conversations with your daughter as laid-back as possible. Explaining how her body works, the possibility of pregnancy and menstruation, and assuring her that she can come to you for help when she gets her first period are key in these first conversations. Be truthful when answering her questions and reassure her that she can discuss anything with you without getting "in trouble." Your child is making their first steps towards adulthood, stress the fact that she can get pregnant even if she hasn't had a period, yet, even if she tells you she's not having sex. If your child has questions about dating, answer them as truthfully as possible. If the conversations you're having with your little one are making you uncomfortable, (they probably will be uncomfortable for you and your child,) fess up to being uneasy, make a joke about it and plow right through. Not talking about it won't make it less stressful and keeping your child ignorant, whether you have a son or a daughter will not do them any good, either.
- Children NowTalking with Kids
Learn how to open up the lines of communication with your child about sex, drugs and peer pressure.
When the Time is Right...
Your child will eventually come to you with the news that somebody has asked them out. Now is the time to set them down for a serious conversation of what behavior you expect from them when they are out with a member of the opposite sex. If they've been asked to a school dance, this is rather simple in design. Call up the parents of the other child and introduce yourself, discuss the plans for the dance. Make sure the parents of the other child understand your concerns, for example, under no circumstances is an older brother or sister to pick up or drop off the kids at the dance. Try to split the division of parental labor evenly, giving you and the parents of the other child a chance to see how the kids interact with one another and get ample opportunities to take pictures and such. If possible, make it a family outing, with all family members going out to eat before the dance, especially with junior high school aged children who may want to take their date out for dinner before a dance, but probably shouldn't be left unsupervised.
- Teen Dating - Age to Start Dating When should teens start dating
Do you believe in an age that teens can start dating?
Real Teens Talking About Dating...
Other Circumstances...
Maybe you child has been "asked out," but it isn't a school dance. What then? At school, you know they're relatively safe and under the same supervision and scrutiny as they are five days out of the week, through the school year. Depending on the age of your child and their maturity level, you should feel comfortable with your child going out on group dates. Group dating is the primary form of dating for young teenagers and pre-teens alike. Providing safety in numbers, group dating allows youngsters to flex their independence while making judgment calls on everything from how to handle peer pressure to what traits they find attractive in friends and potential dates alike. Anything related to a school activity, for example: football and basketball games, dances, or after school clubs and programs are excellent group date opportunities. Some other good group date ideas are: Rollerskating or ice skating, an age appropriate movie at the theater, hanging out at the mall or an arcade, Laser Tag, or any sport activity that keeps their hands and minds occupied.
The Rules...
if you feel that your child is ready to start participating in group dates it is important to talk with them about your expectations of them and boundaries you expect them to adhere to. Express your concerns with them in a non-confrontational way, letting them know that you trust them, but want to make sure they understand your feelings. Some important safety tips for you to explain to your kids should include:
1. Never get into a car with someone's older brother or sister without permission from me.
2. Always bring change for pay phones and your cell phone with you. Do not turn off the cell phone for ANY reason, keep it on silent if you have to.
3. Never accept a ride from a stranger. This should go without saying, but say it anyways. Sometimes their friends can be stupid and accept rides from strangers, exerting peer pressure on them to follow in suite. Let them know that under no circumstances are they to get into a car with someone they don't know. If their friends are idiotic enough to get into a car with a stranger reiterate that they are not to go with them, "Just to make sure they are safe." Make a note of the color, model, and license plates if able and start making a scene while backing away from the car. Hopefully another adult will step in if your child makes enough noise. Your child's cell phone can also be invaluable at this point.
4. No means no! Have your child practice saying no with you, giving various scenarios regarding different peer pressure traps your child could face. Let them know you will not tolerate any experimentation with drugs, alcohol, sex, cigarettes, or guns. The same should be said for fireworks, as well. Let them know that you are waiting by the phone and will pick them up at a moments notice if they feel uncomfortable about anything going on, or need to come home. There can be no room for error here, make sure they understand that you will not be "bothered" by them calling and they won't get into trouble for it. Your job is to pick them up when they need you to.
5. Know where you are. Now is a good time to start teaching your child how to read a map if you haven't already. Show them where they will be on the map and have them show you where their home is on the map in relation. It's not as much a safety tip, since you'll be available to pick them up, (or someone's parents will be,) but just a good idea to help them start building a sense of direction, planning and map reading abilities.
6. If the plans change, call to check in. Since part of your job is knowing where your children are at all times, this is a must. Assure them that if the plans change it should be okay, but that they need to call in to make sure with you and give you the new location and / or time frame. Since you'll be picking them up or dropping them off, this should be rather elementary for them to understand.
Let them know that these rules are non-negotiable and any failure to follow them could result in them not being allowed to date at all until they're thirty. If they're lucky, that is.
Some Tips for Parents...
To help ease some of your concerns here's a short list of some of the things you should keep in mind when your child begins going out on group dates:
1. Who's going? Get concrete information from your child about who will be going. Keep a notebook with names, phone numbers and any personal notes you'd like to include about the group dates your child goes on. If nothing else, your son or daughter can look back on it later in life and have a good laugh.
2. Where will you be? Write down the phone number and address of the location where your child is going to in your date book. Make sure they understand that if there are any change of plans they are to check in with their parents.
3. Who is driving? Call up the parents who are offering to drive and make sure to voice your concerns about older teens driving the kids around. Rather than get confrontational with another parent over it, offer to drive the kids yourself if they want their older teens to do the driving.
4. What time will you be home? Make sure that your child understands the curfew laws for your city and your personal curfew, as well. Remind them that being late for curfew is dangerous to their dating health. If it is a parent who is driving the kids around consistently making them late offer to pick the kids up after their group date and drive them home instead of having to deal with that aggravation.
5. Remind your child that they are never to turn off their cell phone. If they need to, they may turn it onto vibrate while at a movie, but they must occasionally check to make sure they are not missing calls from you.
6. Make a Child/Parent Contract. A Child/Parent contract is a simple document listing these rules and any others you and your child can think of that both of you sign. The most important part of a Child/Parent contract, however, is a statement at the bottom where the child promises that if things get too out of hand or if they feel they're in over their heads they will call the parents to come pick them up. The parents agree that they will come pick their child up and that regardless of what has happened there will be no punishment, since they did the right thing in calling the folks. Remind your child that this does not mean there will not be a discussion about it, just that you promise they will not be grounded for whatever is going on. If this seems too loose for you consider it this way... Most kids lie to get out of trouble, when you take punitive action away from the equation they're more likely to not only follow the rules, but let you know when they're having trouble doing so. The idea behind the Parent/Child contract is that hopefully they'll call you for help instead of trying to figure it out on their own.
- Teen Dating at Family Guide
Rules for teen dating. Family Guide: teen dating.
Tips for Parents of Older Teens
Older teens may be driving themselves or being picked up by their date. In order to avoid aggravation and miss-communication in these situations here are some good general guidelines to follow:
1. Get the name, age, phone number and license plates of the person doing the driving. The color and make of the car, too. Make sure you're given a phone number that you can reach his / her parents at, as well. Write all this information down in your date book. Also, ask the person who is driving how long they have been driving. Technically speaking, there's nothing you can really do about an inexperienced driver, but letting them know you're on top of things might encourage more sensible behavior.
2. Give your child a firm curfew, adhering to local laws and what you feel is reasonable. Failure to follow curfew should result in a lack of privileges, such as driving or going out with friends.
3. Let them know that they should check in on a regular basis. Tell them to call you on a set time-table, just to check in. If they're embarrassed about doing so, tell them to move to a location where they can call in with privacy, the bathroom, for example.
4. Make it clear to them what behaviors you find unacceptable, but still prepare them for the real world by showing them how to use a condom and giving them condoms. Make it clear that you hope they will not engage in sexual activity until they are older, but if they do have sex, you want them to be safe about it.
5. Meet whoever is picking your son or daughter up and ask questions about where they are going. If your child balks at this make it clear that they can have a social life after they turn eighteen if they do not follow these rules. If there is a change in the plans, ask them to call in and let you know where they will be.
6. Set up a Parent/Child contract as detailed above. Try your best to impress upon them that they will not be punished if they follow these rules and adhere to the Parent/Child Contract.
- Am I in a Healthy Relationship?
Does your boyfriend or girlfriend treat you as well as you treat him or her? Does your BF or GF support you in good times as well as bad? Does he or she get who you really are? Find out if you're in a healthy relationship.
Bringing it All Together
As your child gets older you may want to set aside their own date journal where they can make goals for themselves and list traits that they find admirable in the opposite sex. This should be a place where they can freely express themselves, choosing whether or not to share this with you. Make sure that if they ask you not to look at their journal you respect their privacy, as long as they are setting goals for schooling and activities outside of dating. Ask your child to follow their interests and support them as best as you can. Parents who are actively involved in the lives of their kids have children who do better in school and are well adjusted, socially. Letting your child know that even if you do not agree with a decision they're making you will still be there for them is very important as they take those first steps into the realm of young adulthood.
- All the Phases of Teenage Relationships
This article talks about all the different phases you go through in the relationship game.
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eovery: Thank-you so much for taking the time to read and comment, I really appreciate it. I don't necessarily agree with holding off until sixteen to date, though it's definitely an option for parents to consider, especially if their child has difficulty obeying their rules or is easily led. There are a lot of sharks out there, but the majority of teens are just looking to have fun, I think, and I'd rather have my youngster acclimated to the realities of dating than thrown to the sharks during her college years. As always, though, thank-you for your insightful and thoughtful comments!
I think you covered all the essentials. No doubt this is a difficult issue for concerned parents.. Great post!
Thanks Nicole.
My spouse and I have four children, one married, one 18, and the others 8 and 6. It's a tough balance, but I think being open with them from a young age has been central to our success; such develops trust and respect.
Unfortunately the the media (TV, movies, trashy mags) have set up young people to think of dating as a pseudo-marriage (and an easy-opt-out one at that...Hmm... makes you wonder if modern dating concepts have anything to do with high divorce rates), rather than an opportunity to enjoy some innocent fun together; and, of course, they've done nothing to diminish the lie that dating is best when sex is involved.
Happily my eldest never fell for it (and no, we're not being naive). Hope the younger ones are as wise.
carolina muscle: Aw, thanks for taking the time to read and comment, I really appreciate it.
parrster: So you guys have a lot of experience with this... anything you want to add? I'll be completely honest with you, I do believe that sex is an integral part of dating. I would never marry someone I hadn't had sex with, but that is neither here nor there, considering this is a hub on teen dating. Some of the blame of higher divorce rates surely should go towards people who have decided they can "pick and choose" what tenets to follow in their religious lives. Fifty years ago a woman would not even consider initiating a divorce and a man would think twice. My how times have changed. Thanks for taking the time out to read and comment, I really appreciate it!
If your kid is just antisocial, you probably don't have to worry about any of this.
thehands: Thanks for taking the time out to read / comment, I really appreciate it! I have to wonder sometimes if it's partially the parents fault when their child grows up anti-social, due to not allowing their kids to experience safe group dating situations.
I never asked for permision. i guess my parents get very embarrased by this topic.
i think your posting was right on the money
you have to have a open relationship along with the trust
Learn Spanish in Peru: I'm sorry your parents weren't able to discuss this with you... I'm curious as to how old you were when you began dating, what age did you decide was all right for you? Thanks for taking the time to read / comment, I hope you come back sometime!
nenee123: Thanks! I appreciate you taking the time out to read and comment, an open dialogue between parents and child is very important for both parties for form a coherent parent/child relationship! Trust can only come to a parent from a child when that child respects and feels accepted by both parents.
great story =)
I have a couple of questions. I am 17 and I just recently broke up with my 16 year old girlfriend. Since then, I have been somewhat down about it. How can I feel better?
Question 2. I know parents can be concerned about their kids dating,but are dads more concerned about their sons dating or their daughters dating? Why? Also, which parent tends to be more strict towards their sons in a relationship, the mom or the dad? Why?
FlowerRoses284: Thanks!
Scott: Wow, you've really asked me 2-3 truly difficult to answer questions, Scott. I hope you come back and let us know how you're doing.
As for your first question... how do you make yourself feel better? Depending on how long you were dating the young lady, it'll take some time. I'm not trying to be a downer about it, but the amount of time you dated directly correlates to how long it will take to feel OK about the break-up. I don't know *why* you feel bad, or what the circumstances were, so let me briefly give a couple of tips on how recover:
Start going out and doing stuff, even if you don't feel like it. Keep it simple, a few good mates and a movie, whatever you young people like to do nowadays, go out there and just DO IT!
Listen to a lot of music.
Find a safe place to do some writing, (somewhere parents, friends, teachers and the like won't be able to peek on it. Write your feelings down, start today and write every day. You're obviously well-spoken, seeing that you can construct a full sentence, so you've got that going for you! Once you're "finished" with your writing for the day, close it up and find something, a book, television, a movie, that will totally occupy your mind. Let it go, (as much as possible,) for the rest of the night.
I don't know if you're the sporty type, but if finances permit, why not join a gym? Or just start working out at home... the physical release of exercise produces "feel good" chemicals similar to the ones that run rampant through your body when you're "in love." Working out can help focus you mentally, as well.
I don't know what the boy version of chocolate is, maybe it's also just chocolate... as long as it's in moderation it couldn't hurt right? Indulging yourself (again, in moderation,) in some earthly delights, food, favorite soda pop, (mine is Stewart's Creamsicle Orange Soda, btw,) or just some plain old fashioned comfort food can help, too, especially with the cold weather coming on.
As for your second question, Scott, yeesh. I dunno. I'm going to talk in big broad generalizations here and hope I don't step on too many toes. This is the world as I know it, your perceptions may vary with experience.
Generally speaking, Dad's are a bit more... (Okay, a LOT more,) concerned about their daughter's dating. I would say, though, that parents are concerned about their children dating, period, though. I'm not making any judgment calls on you guys, Scott, but if you intimate with one another and her folks, (or your folks,) were catching wind of that I could see where they might be concerned. Parents have been known to break up the relationships their kids are involved in over that sort of thing. As far as which parent tends to be more concerned over their son's being in a relationship, I would personally think it'd be the mom. The dad might be more "advice" giving, guidance, and chatty about his son's new found social experiences, but Mom is always going to see you as her little baby boy and a lot of times has more difficulty accepting another woman in her son's life or just her son growing up in general. I'd love to hear the opinions of others on this question, it's very interesting.
Hopefully, Scott, you found some of this useful. Please come back and let us know how you're doing... I hope you're well. I know this isn't what you want to hear right now, but you're only seventeen and she is only sixteen, you will meet other girls, she'll meet other guys. Maybe sometime in the future you two will reconnect, but you're going to get your heart beat up quite a few times. It's worth it, it's part of becoming an adult and learning to love someone outside of your family unit. The person you eventually spend the rest of your life with is someone wholly unique to the way you've learned to love so far. This is going to be someone you're *choosing* to spend time with, to make a commitment to, and hopefully, eventually grow old together and possibly start a family of your own together. All that takes a lot of time and dating is how you find out what you need in a partner.
It sucks that it hurts. It will get better. Until then... chocolate, music, work-out, write, hang-out, and try not to give your folks (or hers,) too hard of a time. They do the best they can.
My kids were not allowed to date until they were 16. We have five. That was the date coming to the house. My kids are all married now and we have seven beautiful grandchildren
Granny's House: It is amazing to me when I hear stories like that. My parents didn't let me have "car dates" until I was in high school, and that seemed *so* prohibitive to me! I started "going out" with guys in the 5th and 6th grade, his parents or mine would pick us up and drop us off at our local roller rink. I guess they figured the activity would keep us occupied. During high school I went out on group dates and eventually car dates because most of my friends were a couple of years older than I was. I wasn't allowed to go out on a school night, or if I had homework left from the week. My mom knew the driver's license of every friend I had. I think it's lovely that so many families out there that can make that work, obviously your kids grew up happy and healthy and have gone on to have children of their own! I'm still not sure entirely how I'll deal with this myself. I guess it depends on the maturity level of my kids and their desires vs. what's safe for the entire family. Thank-you so much for coming by and taking the time to read and comment, (and follow on Twitter,) I *really* love hearing how other people have dealt with this!
A very important article and its so nice you included practical tips for parents.
Lady_E: Thank-you for taking the time out to read and comment, I appreciate it. I hope they're practical, my little one is only eight and while I have had a lot of experience with others children, we'll see how well it works with my own!
Hi! thank you for this article..this is helping me a lot now with my 11 year old one and only daughter..a boy her age from her school "asked" her out and i had to ask her exactly what "going out" means to this age group and she says, if a girl says yes to a boy then that means - they are steadies (in old people's language).. but as i explore about what "going out" means exactly - it only serves as a label that they are a "couple" but they dont necessarily spend every single time together.. so, with that - i gave her my go-signal to say yes if she likes the boy and so far - they have been exchanging notes to each other- texting each other - giving gifts to each other on occasions like xmas and birthdays.. and i dont see any harm / danger to their "going out"...they dont even talk to each other in school because their friends tease them about being "together"...but i make sure that i always talk to my daughter about school, about the boy, about her friends..and she's very open to me, too..she lets me read his notes and his text messages..so i feel that it's ok...they are both inspired to do better as a person so they can make each other proud..like my daughter was so happy she became the district spelling champion so he can tell his friends how smart his "girl" is and he was so proud to play the lead role in their school play so she can be proud of him..at this point, i think they bring out the best in each other. (-:
Grace: Wow, I am really impressed with your daughter's maturity level, allowing you to read her notes / texts shows that she trusts you immensely. Continue to build on her trust and keeping an open dialogue between the two of you. It sounds to me like they both have goals and are complimenting one another to be driven to achieve better academically and socially. If you come back and see this, I'd love to hear if you allow them to go out together and if you've met this young man's parents. If you haven't started a conversation with his folks I highly recommend it. You don't have to be buddy-buddy, but by keeping an open dialogue between you and this young man's parents it makes it easier to discuss any issues should they arise in the future.
Nicole, thanks for the hub! It is really funny that I have come across this now. My kids and I were away from home this past week, and my daughter kept getting text messages--almost constantly--from someone. When I looked to her, she told me they were from this boy at school. I know who the boy is. They have known each other since we moved into this school district almost 9 years ago, when she was just 5. She is now going on 14 and will be starting high school in the fall. Up until now she has always given me the usual "Ewwwww! I don't "like him" like him, he's just a friend. Boys are gross!!" You know the story.
Well, I have met this boy's mother, though I have not seen her for a few years, nor have I spoken to him, except one time when he sent my daughter an inappropriate text message last year. I sent him a text from my daughter's phone. I believe I made myself VERY CLEAR. He was just being a normal boy, testing our his vulgarity skills. He has been nothing but respectful, for the most part, since then.
Anyway, she was reading me all of his texts as they came, and then she received a text that asked her if, in high school, they could become more than friends. She asked me what I would think about that. While I am rather strict with my daughter's freedom, I am not a prude. Suffices to say she will not have the same "sky is the limit" freedom that I had at her age, but I will not make her a prisoner in the home, either. We have all known for years that this boy likes my daughter, and I guess now he himself is coming to realize just how much.
My daughter knows she will have a strict curfew, if and when they begin to date. (I will obviously leave it to her to decide if she actually likes him in that way.) And she knows I will be insisting on knowing EXACTLY WHERE they will be going, EXACTLY WHAT TIME they plan to arrive there, WHO will be taking them (I may wind up trying to be the chaperone, just because the more I see with teens these days, the more scared I become!)and WHO ELSE, if anyone, will be there. I think I would prefer that each of us drive our teens to the meeting place, make our wishes known to the kids, then let them begin their date. I think his parents will likely agree, or they will allow me to be the driver. My children are both known throughout the district and the parents know who I am, as well as my husband who is one of the girls' softball coaches in the recreational league here. I am trying to come up with a fair curfew time for my daughter, and I don't think there will be any school night dates. My daughter will have to keep up with her school work (always a challenge--even without dating as an added distraction!) or she will lose her privilege to date. She already knows most of this, as well as my thoughts and beliefs about sex, because I tend to shoot from the hip in my dealings with her so there can be no mistaking my meaning or intent. Her friends are also aware, for the most part, of what my feelings are. There is no point in beating around the bush, is there? If there are any parents out there in a similar situation now or perhaps you were in the past, I would appreciate input on curfew times! Thanks again for the hub, Nicole! Good work!
laidbacklady: That is so incredibly sweet, you obviously have an awesome relationship with your daughter! I like your take on dating during the school-week, very well-put. Thank-you so much for taking the time out to read & comment, I really appreciate it. Good luck and remain vigilant!
Practical advise... good article
saonlinedating: Thank-you for taking the time out to read and comment, I appreciate it!
We are just now starting to deal with this. Both our daughter and son came home with I love "so and so" on their notebooks. I made them clean it off and asked them what they thought love was. A few days later we sat down and talked with them individually about their girlfriend/boyfriend and just asked them questions, wanting to know what they knew about that person and what type of communication they had with that person. Our son is very shy and I think just likes to have someone to call girlfriend. He sits with her at lunch and talks to her about things. Our daughter on the other hand seems to be more "giving", if you know what I mean. She is only 11 and had been obsessed with boys for a couple years now. We have made it clear that she will not date for awhile and that she needs to be more concerned with book work, than boys. Well she's been hiding that she had a boyfriend and we found out. We were of course upset, because she had promised this was going to stop and that she was gonna try harder in school. She's very easily led by her peers which worries me very much! It's like she doesn't even think for herself. We have instilled the same morals in her that we have our other children, but it's as if she doesn't get it. I don't know what else to do. I'm so concerned that I'm considering putting her on birth control at 11 because we can't trust that she is telling us the truth. We also did explain the whole thing of everyone in our house will be treated different because they are all on different levels. It may seem unfair to her that her brother gets to date and she doesn't, but we don't feel he will make bad decisions right now, nor has he shown us he will..but she has. Any extra advice on this?
confused_momma: Oh, boy, howdy, do I have some extra advice for you... I apologize that it took me ten days to respond, I've *really* been thinking about this... I've a nine year old myself, so I was thinking about having to go through this soon enough... I hope you haven't run out & put the little one on birth control while waiting for me to respond to this! First... STOP. Stop everything you are doing, saying and thinking about your eleven year old little girl and take a deep, deep breath with me. You realize (and I'm hoping that a doctor would, too,) that putting your daughter on mood-hormone-body altering medications is not the answer here, right? First... what about STD's? Giving your daughter the Pill right now is like giving a teenager a credit card. They're *gonna* use it. Now, I'm not sure how you were planning on administering this medication to her, but the Pill is only %99 (or so) effective when taken properly. Most grown adult women are unable to take their pill correctly, so I don't know if your daughter would be able to, either. Also, any time that you take antibiotics the Pill is useless, I don't know about your kid, but the average kid takes antibiotics 2-3 times a year, at least. That said...
Daughters... little girls, are much more susceptible to peer pressure, to being a "follower," than their male counterparts. We (as a society,) raise our daughters to be "people pleasers" ... It's not anything you can change over night, or possibly even ever. There are still grown women out there who blindly follow their peers, husbands, boyfriends, parents... society at large and allow others to make the big decisions for them. My point is that what you're experiencing with your daughter, albeit very scary, is normal for a developing girl her age.
Condoms are %99 effective when used properly in preventing pregnancy & STD's. Just because of her age, don't think for a second that it isn't possible for her to catch an STD from a young boy. Also a lot of kids are opting for more risky sexual behavior, (oral / anal sex) to prevent pregnancy and coming away from this activities with all kinds of nasty things. Teach her how to use a condom & give her access to condoms. DO NOT count the condoms... chances are she will "play" with a few of them to see how they work. This is normal & a good thing... the more comfortable she is with handling condoms, the better.
And, hey... to those of you who think that I'm being too permissive, this woman is talking about putting her child on birth control. Uhm. BIRTH CONTROL! So, yeah, the condom talk is definitely not out of line.
I think some research is in order, too, here... find pictures of the most hideous STD infections, (herpes for example looks TERRIFYING,) and print them out or bookmark them. Then sit down with your daughter and show them to her. If she *really* wants to have sex, she should know and be informed of what the consequences of that / those decisions can be.
I agree with your reaction to their notebooks... don't allow your children (as normal as it is,) to wear their hearts on their sleeves, (or binders,) like that. Next step for you as parents is to find out who this boys parents are and talk to them. Let them know you're concerned that they're too young to be "dating" (whatever that means to 11 year old kids,) and that your daughter is easily led. See if it's possible to get to know them and interact with your daughter, their son & them together... this may be much more innocent than you assume...
I started dating at her age. I developed much faster than the children around me & was heavily supervised in my dating endeavors. I see no reason, with proper adult supervision why two eleven year old kids can't hang out together & have a great time. At their age it should not lead to sex, (they should never be left alone in a private or even semi-private place,) and it's excellent experience for your daughter and for you as parents, to understand what is to come.
That said, at their age, next week there's a good chance that one or both of them "don't like each other 'that way' anymore" ... if it's both of them, great, they move on and interact with one another in a more peer-appropriate fashion... but if it's one of them, somebody is going to end up with hurt feelings and there's a good chance that there will be some bullying or teasing going on that will just put the other one's self-esteem in the gutter... So.
I suggest a sex-positive therapist. I don't know what your guys money situation is like... a lot of therapists have sliding scale fees, though. I don't think you should have her talk to a religious counselor... there's enough shame / guilt going around, centered around sex as it is. I think as much as I believe your daughter should be talking to you guys about this, a safe place where she feels there will be no judgement, (after her counselor gains her trust,) would be instrumental in your daughter's growth. Talk to the counselor about your fears for your daughter & really listen to what s/he says in response to your questions / fears. It will give you an idea if this person is a good fit for your daughter and family. Let your daughter know that she hasn't done anything wrong, but that you think that a second pair of ears to help you all as a family are in order. Reassure her. She really honestly cannot help the fact that her hormones are going all crazy-insane and she's developing faster than other kids her age... it's a very difficult place to be & she probably feels like no one understands what she's going through. A counselor who has a positive attitude about sex & developing children will help her get through this.
Please e-mail me at nawinter77@gmail.com if you have any questions, if you would like help finding a counselor in your area, or if you'd like to yell at me. I really am sorry it's taken me so long to respond, I couldn't even begin to wrap my brain around your comment for at least a couple of days and have been mentally debating this for several...
Weird
You're weird. :)
Hi, I read your article and I thought it was intriguing. I was wondering if you could help me with a situation... I am recently turned 15 and i have a boyfriend. The thing is, perhaps 4-6 months I back i had a different boyfriend that my parents found out about. At first they seemed alright about it but about a day later I was called to their room and I was scolded. For more than that. I was then told to break up with him and not to mention having a boyfriend until senior year of highschool. I find this...a bit extreme and unfair.
Now I think I forgot to mention that my parents are Vietnamese and that I'm first generation American Vietnamese and culture is an important aspect to them. They are also paranoid and a little bit too overprotective.
Its only been two months since I've been dating this boy, and he has been wanting me to tell my parents about us. I find it irrevocably responsible that he wants me to but I can't bring myself to do it. My parents are worried about my grades and if I'm responsible and everything in between. He has even wanted to ask my parents if he can date me and ask them if he can take me to the semi-formal. It causes a skirmish between us two everytime he brings it up because I never know what to do. I was upset for a whole day because I couldnt stop thinking about it.
His birthday is coming up is march and ive decided to do something about it. I plan to gather evidence and facts of me doing well in school even with a boyfriend and that I am responsible. I hope that bringing it up with evidence and my mom claiming that she is fair will let this matter be judged fairly. I want to be able to go through this without being scolded and and crying. And so, I was wondering if there is anything else I need to cover in my argument so I can lay it all out for my parents. I really want them to let me be able to "date" him. perhaps invite him over to dinner, (definitely not the Viet way to approach it) or have my parents meet him parents. Our parents have talked to each other before and his mom does have a vibe that there's something goin on between him and I but he wants it to be known in between our parents. As do I. I really want to be able to tell me parents but I don't know how to approach it, because of what happened last time. I loved your article. Do you have any advice? Please and thank you :)
Wow, CourtCaseInProcess, I really hope you come back and see this response. First, thank-you, I appreciate you taking the time out to read, to comment and to ask me for advice.... I realize you're on a time-constraint here, I'm sorry it's taken me so long to respond.
The first thing I'd like you to do is promise me, PROMISE me, that you will speak to a school counselor before making any decisions on what to do in your situation... There are two parts, (as I see it,) to your dilemma:
A. Your parents are over-protective to a degree of stifling your individuality without giving you credit for your responsibility.
B. Your boyfriend is pressuring you to do something you know will be detrimental to your relationship with your parents.
Now, I really do want to give you advice on this situation, but you really have to assure me that you will discuss this with someone other than myself. Believe me, this is in your best interests because your situation is highly complex. I'm going to attempt to advise you as best as I can. I want you to print this article out & your comment, as well as my advice, and take it to someone else you trust. A school teacher, counselor, religious adviser... and when you're finished speaking with them & you're ready to make your decision I want you to take that print-out to your parents. (More on that to follow.)
Let's start with your boyfriend, first, this to me is the easier piece of advice...
You say you feel that your boyfriend wanting you to inform your parents of the relationship that's beginning between the two of you is responsible, but I can't help but feel that giving your parents this information as his birthday present is a terrible idea. He is already pressuring you into doing something you know is going to damage your relationship if not handled with the utmost delicacy. This is something your parents are fearful of, a young man influencing their daughter in a way that is detrimental to herself and her family foundation.
Responsibility aside, he needs to show empathy with you in your situation, he needs to be part of the solution, helping you come up with ways that will show your parents how incredibly responsible you really are. Letting him lean on you, forcing your hand before your ready to tell your parents isn't responsible at all. I think your idea of gathering evidence to support your position is an excellent one, but we need to find a way to execute it properly. If he wants to take you to the semi-formal, he may have to come to terms with the fact that he may not be able to take you, if he really cares about you, he won't go at all. It's up to your parents if you will be allowed to go to the school dance, fair or not, they have the power in your life to dictate who you do or do not see. The best way that he can showcase his responsibility and affection for you is by supporting you in what you decide to do, helping you come up with alternate solutions and not pressuring you into something you are not ready for.
As for your parents... I don't know a lot about the Vietnamese culture, but what I do know is that there is a serious "generational gap" between first-born American Vietnamese children and their more traditional Vietnam-born parents. Your parents have made their intentions for you very clear. They want you to not even consider dating until your senior year of high school. There very well may not be any way around this. If there *is* to be a way around this, it will have to be a more traditional route, (in my opinion,) such as your parents and his parents getting to know one another. Perhaps if his parents are more amendable to the idea of their son seeing you they will be able to influence your parents... if nothing else perhaps they would relent to a family dating situation (parents and children going out to dinner, enjoying family activities together,) and even possibly the semi-formal. As mortifying as it might be, many school dances call for parents to ask as chaperones, perhaps if your parents were involved in that capacity they might relent and allow you to go. If the idea is too terrible to contemplate, make sure that they understand that the dance is fully staffed & fully supervised, at the very least. Your parents are over-protective, but they're your parents.
Life isn't always going to be fair and you aren't always going to be rewarded by your merits. The best thing you can do is take this article, my advice, and see a counselor / trusted individual at school. Doing well to seek the approval of others isn't what life is about. You do your best because it is the best you can do, living up to your potential is a gift no parent, boyfriend or anyone other than yourself can give you.
If you do decide to try to discuss this with your parents, if it feels like the relationship you have with this young man is worth putting your relationship with your folks on the line, I think you should show them this article. In fact, I think you should gather as much information about teens & dating that you can to show your folks. At fifteen you're still quite young and I don't see much of a way around your parents restrictions, but I wish you all the luck in the world, you sound like an incredibly responsible and intelligent young lady that any Mom & Dad would be proud of. Perhaps giving your parents the information & tools to feel that they are in control of the situation will help.
Wow.
Man my girlfreinds parents wont let her date and she is 14 almost about to be 15. And today her brother find out and she got in trouble. How can i convince her parents to let her date me?
Erin Nicole.: I wish you could have said a bit more.
Pedro: How old are you? If you really care about this young lady, perhaps the best way to proceed is to ask her if she would be willing to have you over for dinner. If she can convince her parents to agree to have you over for dinner you'd be able to show them what a responsible young man you are. Please get back to me with more detail, such as: How old are you?, What grade are you in and what grade is she in?, Where are her parents from & where are you from?, Do your parents know you're interested in this young lady?, inquiring minds need to know before answering your question...
I am 14 and we are both in 8th grade and i dont know were her parents are from. And my family knows that i am intrested in her
Pedro: Have you tried asking your parents for advice? How old is her brother? I think the best way for you to proceed is to ask her if you could be allowed over to have dinner with her parents and her over to your parents house for dinner. That way your parents and her parents feel like they can get to know you guys. I would definitely try to make friends with her brother, treat him respectfully and show him that you respect his sister by never saying anything negative about her in front of him. In eighth grade you guys are still pretty young, you'll probably have to take this slowly with her parents.
i have a twin brother and my parents won't let me date. a boy asked me out I'm in 6th grade don't tell me I'm to young please, and a boy asked me out. I said yes but i don't no how to keep it from my bro and parents.
hi: Okay, I won't tell you you're too young. What I will say is that age is just a number. You're too immature to start dating. If you're already trying to figure out a way to sneak around with a boy... (how old is he?, where are you guys going to go?, how on earth do you think you can hide this from your brother, who is the same age as you?,)I can't really give you any good ways or reasons why you should be allowed to see this boy. My advice to you is to introduce him to your brother, if he doesn't already know him and see if your parents would relent to the three of you hanging out and doing stuff... otherwise, I have to say, you shouldn't be sneaking off to see this young guy, your parents won't let you date until you're 30 if you get caught.
I have a boyfriend and he text me ALOT(when I say alot I mean like ALOT ALOT) and my mum always ask to see my phone. But we tell each other that we love each other alot. And I am just a bit embarrassed to show her. Is it ok for me to feel that way??? I know it has nothing really at all to do with the article but I just wanted to ask your option
Even if you don't answer thanks anyways
I really think that honesty is the best policy with your Mom, Loving Dove, tell her it makes you uncomfortable, tell her why and let her look at your phone. Eventually she may back off and allow you to have these private thoughts / conversations, once she realizes you guys are just being "in love" and not being sneaky about it. Of course it's completely normal for you to feel this way! It *is* embarrassing for your folks to see these private thoughts, but they're doing it to make sure you are being safe. They wouldn't be doing their job right if they weren't embarrassing you... ;) Thanks for taking the time out to read and comment, I really appreciate it!
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eovery 2 years ago
One thing, our church has taught us not to date until 16, and then date only in group settings. There are so many sharks at there looking for young prey.
Nice to see you writing again.
Keep on hubbing!